REGRET
What is regret? I think of regret as what guilt turns into when it grows up. Or when we do. Guilt is useful when we’re young, the discomfort of guilt illuminates how preferable it is to be kind and thoughtful rather than mean and careless, but guilt is often accompanied by shame, and that combination had a tendency to freeze me in its headlights, a kind of narcissistic paralysis where it was all about me, and I had no idea what to do to make anything or anyone better. A shotgun wedding at 18, four children, two divorces. I was guilty of something or everything all the time.
Years passed. I began to grow up. The tiny perimeter in which I had failed to live my life had all but disappeared, and maybe forgiveness seeped under the door, or grace through the open windows, I don’t know, but gradually the guilt that had crippled me turned into regret. Regret does not cripple, it allows you, no, it urges you to engage and apologize if that’s what’s called for, or simply be of use to those who matter most—sometimes with words, sometimes with actions, often with laughter. I never want to outgrow regret. It’s part of being human, and in a funny way, it rounds out a life.
There's something comforting about the idea of regret. I can wrap myself in it like a blanket when it comes up. I can savor the feeling and reflect on what I missed, what I gave up. Looking back with experience and self-knowledge lets me love that younger self that didn't always make the best choices. I don't have to hurt myself with it, as I did for so long by feeling guilt instead.
´I think of regret as what guilt turns into when it grows up.’ I love this, Abigail.
I was just chatting with another writer here about what to do with feelings of shame and guilt, so this is really timely. How did you know?!